"When you gotta go, you gotta go." That's what Ian Malcolm said in Jurassic Park and it's true. We all gotta go, but these are the bathrooms that make you want to hold it. For 50 years.

Can you handle it?

Here now are the absolute worst bathrooms, toilets and water closets known to man.

#9 - Jurassic Park Bathrooms

In the movie Jurassic Park, a billionaire named Hammond creates a dinosaur zoo using cloned dinosaurs. No expense is spared to make it a top-of-the-line family attraction.

What's Good?
The bathrooms are conveniently placed throughout the theme park.

What's Bad?
Who would make an outhouse in the middle of a dinosaur zoo? Plus, the top is covered by straw. They don't even have roofs. Considering how much they spent on the place they should have sprung for an upgrade.

The minute a dinosaur escapes, the worst place to be is trapped in a small room with a small door and no escape. The lawyer makes a break for it and quickly becomes dinner for the T-Rex.

#8 - Demolition Man's Three Shells

In the movie Demolition Man, Sylvester Stallone plays a cop who's cryogenically frozen and wakes up in the future.

What's Good?
The future is a near paradise. Everything is clean and everyone's happy. No doubt the bathrooms are pristine and smell wonderful.

What's Bad?
In the future they don't use toilet paper. Instead of paper they have a shelf with "three shells." I've spent years trying to figure out how it works and each theory is worse than the last.

Thankfully (or unfortunately) Sylvester Stallone explained how the shells work in an interview with Ain't It Cool News. Stallone said, "OK, this may be bordering on the grotesque, but the way it was explained to me by the writer is you hold two seashells like chopsticks, pull gently and scrape what’s left with the third. You asked for it…. Be careful what you ask for, sorry."

Being the creative guy he is, Stallone loads up on tickets for cursing and heads into the stall.

#7 - The Bathrooms on the Starship Enterprise

On the series Star Trek: The Next Generation the crew travels the stars in the Ambassador-class Galaxy-Class USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D). The Enterprise is the most advanced ship in the galaxy and has the finest technology of an advanced world. Plus, the ship was designed for long space travel and every possible amenity is on board the ship. You can visit the Holodecks, an arboretum, a school, a gymnasium, amphitheaters, and a bar called Ten Forward.

What's Good?
Imagine spotless bathroom with heated seats and fresh, soft towels whenever you want.

What's Bad?
In the documentary Journey's End: The Saga of Star Trek - The Next Generation, Johnathan Frakes pointing out there's only one bathroom on the official map in one of the props. That's one john for 1014 people. The lines would be insane.

#6 - The Alien 3 Communal Bathrooms

One version of the Alien III script by Vincent Ward and John Fasano had Ripley crashing her escape pod on a wooden satellite inhabited by monks. There was a darkly comic scene in the communal bathroom.

What's Good?
You couldn't ask for a quieter bathroom than at a monastery. The sound of the monks singing giving a relaxing background for your needs.

What's Bad?
First, the latrines were described as "Six or eight long-drop toilets with dividers between each closet." Zero privacy in these restrooms. "Long-Drop" means they don't actually use water. They just collect it into a deep pit, so the smell must have been horrible.

Here's the worst part. When the ship crash landed, an alien starts circulating the sewage system. While the monks are doing their business, it goes up through the toilet and pulls them down one-by-one. I can't think of a worse way to go than being pulled into a smelly sewer by an alien.

#5 - X-Files Russian Boat

In the X-Files episode, "The Host" we find a cargo freighter off the coast of New Jersey. After a long hard day, a guy goes to use the head.

What's Great?
Nothing comes to mind. Although you can get drunk on Vodka before going.

What's Bad?
The toilets have zero privacy. They have little dividers, but the toilets are literally inches away from each other. This leads to uncomfortable moments sitting next to a guy trying to keep your knees from touching.

But, then it gets worse. When the sailor opens the door and finds water pouring out of the can. The toilets are blocked and the job of clearing the blockage falls to the youngest member of the crew. It's terrible, smelly work.

As soon as he opens the panel to the septic tank he realizes it's going to be disgusting. He leans in to clean out the blockage and gets pulled inside the septic tank by a "Fluke Man." Thankfully, he died quickly.

#4 - Night of the Creeps Men's Room

Night of the Creeps is a 1986 zombie horror film that's a loving homage to B movies. The film combines zombies, slasher and alien invasion films by having alien slugs escape on Earth and turn people into zombies. One scene has James "J.C." Carpenter (Steve Marshall), a handicapped boy, go to the men's room.

What's Great?
At least the stalls are wheelchair accessible.

What's Bad?

J.C. gets trapped in the Men's Room with the alien slugs. The slugs start crawling around in the stall, go up his pants leg, slither around the floor and eventually go into his mouth. Worst. Bathroom break. Ever!

#3 - Star Wars: Dark Forces Gas Station

We never saw the bathrooms in the Star Wars movies, but they showed up in the expanded universe. Known as "refreshers" they have showers, baths, and toilets. One shows up in the video game Star Wars: Dark Forces in the Fuel Station Ergo.

What's Great?
The public restrooms are available to all. Empire's evil stormtroopers and mercenaries visit the loo together in one glorious harmonizing display of equality. We're all equal in the loo.

What's Bad?
Well, it is a gas station bathroom. That means it's probably filthy and disgusting. But then it gets worse. Kyle Katan busts in and starts killing everybody while they're indisposed. You know you can't stop once you start. So you have two choices. Either you become a human water wiggle spraying urine everywhere while reaching for your gun or hope he doesn't get you till you finish.

#2 - Psycho Shower Scene

The most famous bathroom scenes of all-time is from Psycho when Marion Crane (Janet Leigh) goes to the shower.

What's Good?
A quiet hotel in the middle of nowhere. Fresh sheets and towels by Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins), the kindly owner,  leaves you feeling safe and well-rested.

What's Bad?
It turns out the owner is a deranged killer who sneaks into the bathroom and stabs her to death dressed as an old lady.

#1 - Every Star Trek Bathroom Ever

In the world of Star Trek, they have advanced technology that allows them to travel the stars, visit distant worlds and do the ultimate in recycling.

What's Good?
The replicators can create anything you could want. From hot Earl Grey tea, to fresh Russian Caviar, you can have anything you want to eat.

What's Bad?
In the Enterprise episode called "Breaking the Ice" some kids ask a very good question: When you flush a toilet, where does it go? Chief engineer Trip reluctantly explains that everything people flush down the toilet is recycled into anything required, namely boots, uniforms...and food. Yes, food.

So, that delicious steak you're biting into was the steak someone else ate yesterday. If I was on the Enterprise, I would be strictly B.Y.O.F. Bring-Your-Own-Food.

Which is the worst bathroom ever? Where's the worst bathroom you've ever seen?

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Pat Dilloway said...

I have to point out the Enterprise-D is a Galaxy class ship. The Enterprise-C was Ambassador class. The three shells sound much worse than TP. Though in the old days they used corn cobs (where available) or the Sears catalog or just your hand. Ick. Progress!

spacerguy said...

Without waste management the Enterprise would be unable to carry sufficient food or water for the extended voyages..but the bathroom from predator was cool.

Tony Laplume said...

Static is one of the few comic book characters to be shown using the bathroom. That's all I've got.

Maurice Mitchell said...

It's a necessary evil Spacerguy, but I'd still pack a lunch.

Maurice Mitchell said...

Corn cobs? I'll never complain about rough toilet paper again Pat.

Maurice Mitchell said...

That's surprising Tony. But Milestone was very progressive.

Maurice Mitchell said...

I forgot about that one Alex. That could go either way.

Maurice Mitchell said...

I don't blame you Jeremy. Never saw it thankfully

Liesel Hill said...

LOL. I'm partial to the Jurassic Park one myself. You know, pre-T-Rex Chow. Just kidding. Great article. Don't think I could have come up with so many zany ones! :D

Maurice Mitchell said...

Thanks Liesel. That's a good choice


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