4/01/2013


Here are the 12 most insanely stupid villains that G.I. Joe has had to deal with.

Above Image:  G.I Joe Intruders 1976

The big budget live-action movie G.I. Joe Retaliation came out this weekend, and it's a huge success  thanks to cool villains like Storm Shadow and Cobra Commander. But Cobra hasn't always been successful in it's recruiting. Here are 12 idiots who stumble, mumble and stink up the Cobra base.

If you're here for the A-Z Challenge you can skip to the end. We're highlighting 26 great geek blogs this month.

#12 Headman


Specialty: Illegal narcotics

Back in the 90s, the Joe's decided to stop drugs. We all see how well that turned out. Terrorist organizations often use drugs to finance their operations, so it's no surprise that Cobra has a drug dealer.  The biggest pusher of them all was Headman. He could have been evil and scary, but he's not. Besides dressing like a 70s pimp, he wasted a fortune on gold plating his gun.

11# Cesspool




Specialty: Chief Environmental Operative

During G.I. Joe's unsuccessful attempt to stop global pollution their main villain was Cesspool. Similar to melting man and the Toxic Avenger, toxic waste turned this evil CEO into a freaky mutant bent on causing world pollution. He didn't succeed as a Cobra villain but, if he'd worked for Exxon, he would have succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.

#10 Tomax and Xamot


Specialty: Infiltration, espionage, sabotage, propaganda, and corporate law

When my brother I were in school, the kids teased us by calling us “the evil twin brothers” after the Crimson Twins. I was actually pretty proud of that.

Unfortunately, these two twins are the stupidest looking guys twins you could ask for. They dressed silly, looked sillier and had the insane weakness of feeling each others pain. The Joes used this to their advantage several times by waterboarding them. Not really, but that was the logical next step. Plus, neither of their names make sense. No one has ever been named Tomax or Xamot. Why couldn’t they have just been Bob and Bob?

#9 Sludge Viper

Specialty: Hazardous waste weapons

The worst job in Cobra’s Army are the guys who handled hazardous waste called Sludge Vipers. Not only did they have to handle the stuff, but they also shoot it out of their guns. I’m not sure what the Cobra insurance plan was, but I’m sure it didn’t cover this kind of job. Plus, his suit is useless at protecting him. His bio card suggests shooting his sludge gun to make it splash back on him because "the stuff is just as dangerous to HIM" as it is to his enemies. So what's the point of the suit? My eyes! The goggles! They do nothing!

#8 Cobra Commander


Specialty: Commander-in-Chief
For the most part Cobra Commander was a fairly incompetent villain. At one point though he reached the pinnacle of uselessness. At the end of the G.I. Joe Movie (1987) he was transformed into a literal snake. And not a giant snake with laser fangs and rocket launchers either. Just a big, useless snake with little arms. They never did say how he recovered from that.


#7 Serpentor

Specialty: Emperor
What do you get when you combine the genius of Napoleon, the ruthlessness of Julius Caesar, the daring of Hannibal, and the shrewdness of Attila the Hun? You get a guy with poor fashion sense.  His first act as Emperor was to attack Washington DC without making sure the President was on town. This snake costumed freak was even more incompetent than Cobra Commander and was soon replaced. Of course, anyone that has the audacity to throw live snakes at you must be worth something.

#6 Major Bludd


Specialty: Terrorist

Major Bludd has everything he needs to be a great villain. An eye patch, an evil mustache and a name that rhymed with blood. He has everything he needs to be a great villain. He'd be great except his bio card days his greatest skill is writing bad poetry. Plus, his military specialty is "terrorist" which is strange because the entire organization is made up of terrorists! It's kind of like having a soldier who's specialty is "soldiering."


#5 Tele-Viper



Specialty: Communications
First created in 1983, this terrifying Cobra trooper is the tele-communications specialist. His bio card says that his equipment picks up VHF stations. This means Cobra Commander has a dedicated unit that watches television. Not only that but "the interior of the helmet offers an alternative LED readout triggered through the optional computer pack." That means he watches TV in the middle of a battle.

#4 Golobulus

Specialty: Cobra-la Ruler
The leader of Cobra-La, this bio-engineered monstrosity had the torso of a man and the body of a snake. Golobulus has had so many body posts replaced that only his brain and nervous system remains. He's the terrorist equivalent of Joan Rivers.

#3 Montezuma's Skeleton


Specialty: Being a skeleton

Probably the scariest thing you can think of is having a living skeleton lurching at you. Probably the most  useless soldier you could have is having a skeleton lurching at your enemies. He's a skeleton. This means you can take him out with a KFC spork if you want. Plus, he has a sword, but no muscles to lift it.

#2 Intruders


Specialty: Strong

In 1976, before the smaller "Real American Hero" line of toys, Hasbro introduced a pair big, dumb brutes known as "The Intruders." Called "Strongmen from another world" they were supposed to be the perfect foe for the 12-inch G.I. Joe doll. Unfortunately, these super-tough strongmen were actually shorter than the Adventure Team members. This means you have two cavemen-looking shirtless guys with bad beards looking up at their enemies. Not scary. You can watch the unintentionally hilarious commercial G.I. Joe Intruders Strongmen from Another World

#1 Crystal Ball


Crystal Ball is Cobra's hypnotist. That's right. When Cobra can't figure out how to make a guy cluck like a chicken, they call him. The evil psychic friends network.


Which is the stupidest G.I. Joe villain you've ever heard of? Did you see the movie? What did you think of it?
[Image Source: Flickr]

A for The Geek Anthropologist http://thegeekanthropologist.com
Marie-Pierre Renaud, an anthropology student in Canada, writes The Geek Anthropologist. The blog focusses on the connection between anthropology and geekdom. Topics like how Star Trek affects her view of gender, Prime Directive and western ideology and humanity. Normally, I find this kind of stuff dry, but she manages to make it interesting for anthropology students and laymen. You can connect with The Geek Anthropologist on Twitter and Facebook.
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12 comments:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Cesspool - who greenlit that one?
Will go visit the Geek Anthropologist!

Clarissa Draper said...

The Geek Anthropologist sounds like a cool website. I'll check it out too.

jeremy [retro] said...

wait what... you know i loves the cobras... everyone holds a special place in my heart... i have most these as figures from my childhood.

Pat Dilloway said...

Oh my God, yes, Crystal Ball was the lamest villain ever! I remember the toy store used to have dozens of him on clearance because no one wanted him. BTW, guess who thought him up? Stephen King! So great authors do not make great toy designers.


Incidentally they do say how Cobra Commander recovers in the crappy low-budget animated TV series that followed the movie. I have it on DVD at home. You can buy it from Amazon and the second season, which I'm sure is even lamer.

Tony Laplume said...

Tomax and Xamot were redeemed in spades as the Paoli brothers in the excellent Cobra comics from IDW. They're now officially awesome.

Cobra Commander was brought back from the snake form in a mini-series I enjoyed when it originally aired, Operation: Dragonfire, which ushered the second cartoon series.

Pat Dilloway said...

Oh yeah, that's what it was called. Basically a two-hour commercial for the Slaughter's Maruades and Python Patrol. And then 99% of them were written out of the second cartoon series anyway.

The Evil Dead said...

I thought it was King's son that came up with him.

MrHyde said...

How can you leave off Raptor, the Cobra Falconer/Accountant? Seriously, I did not make that up. Cobra had a falconer. Having an accountant was at least in the realm of sensibility. But a falconer? Sorry, I got nothing. He also looked insane.

Maurice Mitchell said...

Good call MrHyde. The accountant and a falconer? How do you even train for something like that?

Maurice Mitchell said...

I remember your Tomax and Xamot figures Jeremy!

Maurice Mitchell said...

Definitely Clarissa. It's very thoughtful stuff

Findo Gask said...

Falconing was his hobby becuase he was a rich, bored, trust fund wiz-kid accountant. And he was completely insane, hence the costume.

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