11/21/2012

[Image]
How would you take over the world? Use nuclear weapons to hold the world ransom? Dominate the finances of the world to bring economic collapse? Would you release a computer virus that erases the Internet? These are all great ways to take over the world. The Hostess comic book ads were the exact opposite. They featured dozens of morons, idiots and buffoons that shared a common love of the delicious snack cakes we crave.

Above Image: From the Hostess Comic Book ad "Minerva Menace"
 
Now that the Hostess company is no more, we honor the memory of those comic book ads by highlighting the worst supervillian plans to take over the planet in the Hostess comic book ads.


Spider-Man in "Break the Bank"
[Image]
The Plan
The half-witted "Printout Man" jams up the bank computers to cause chaos and take over the bank. His idiotic goal is to break into the bank's vault of Hostess cupcakes. The ARCnet (the precursor of the modern networking) was developed in that year, but the bank computers weren't networked. That means Printout Man would have had to drive from bank to bank to take over the world. Years later the mortgage crisis did his job for him.

Why it Failed
Besides his insane love of Hostess cup cakes, he picked the wrong time to commit his crimes.
Spider-Man in "Legal Eagle
[Image]
The Plan
Ralph G Fake, the "criminal lawyer with the power to turn himself into the Legal Eagle, the monster eagle at will," even though he's wearing The Vulture's costume. He stupidly steals the bill of rights to take over the Supreme Court and change the laws. Apparently it's a royal scepter that gives the power to control the Supreme Court to whoever has it. It makes him guilty of a bazillion federal laws. His downfall comes when he can't resist Hostess cupcakes.

Why it Failed
No one is going to make a federal criminal President.
Shazam in "Minerva Menace"
[Image]
The Plan
Aunt Minerva decides to control the future in the dopey "Operation Big Lie." She uses a television signal to convince children of the world that what they "like they don't really like." She thought small. Someone with the power to change the future decides to convince kid's not to eat snack cakes? I could understand that if she's fighting childhood obesity, but it's not good for world domination. Even her two cronies can see that.
Why It Failed
She should have known better than to try and keep kids from their junk food.
Human Torch "The Iceman Cometh"
[Image]
The Plan
The Icemaster plans to freeze the planet and make another ice age. This plan seems simple enough, but there was something the Icemaster forgot. Apparently, the Icemaster's weakness is pastries. It makes him immediately melt everything around him. You'd think that would be something he'd remember.

Why It Failed
Always remember if you have a deadly allergy to common snack foods.







  
Captain America in "When it Rains it Pours"
[Image]
The Plan
Evil Stormrider uses the US satellite network to cause massive rainstorms to keep people from the Presidential election. Apprently, the Presidential election is like a baseball game. They call it because of rain. Because they didn't think to shove a sock in Captain America's mouth, he convinces the Stormrider's henchman that he won't share his Hostess fruit pies. This causes a mutiny and they are easily defeated. If Stormrider had fostered trust in his men they would have known he would share Hostess fruit pies with him.
Why It Failed
He didn't do trust exercises with his evil henchmen.


  
Batman in "Professor Plutonium"
[Image]
The Plan
At midnight a mad genius will blow up all of America's gold reserve "disappear in a puff of smoke." He wants to blow up the Federal Gold Dispensary in Fort Knox Kentucky because if he can't have it no one can. Despite the fact that Fort Knox, Kentucky is too far inland to get to with a speedboat and the 4-foot thick granite outer walls of 27-inch thick steel and concrete vaults. For good measure he uses a bullhorn to tell Batman his plan. Batman cleverly distracts him with "golden" Hostess Twinkies.
Why It Failed
Despite being a gold expert, he is easily confused by the monetary value of cake.

Aquaman in "That Dirty Beach"
[Image]
The Plan
A brainless criminal mastermind is making undersea creatures to attack swimmers. Without beaches, no one buys swim suits and sun tan lotion. The world collapses. The world economy is not based on tourism, but the exchange of goods and services.

Why It Failed
It turns out his desire to stop global pollution is not as great as his desire for Hostess Twinkies.






  
Batman in "Birds of a Feather"
[Image]
The Plan
Pigeon Woman uses birds to steal U.S. statues like the Statue of Liberty. Without the statues reminding citizens about their past, the country falls into chaos. We have to assume we're only seeing a small number of her trained birds because it would take billions of unladen swallows to carry the massive statue, much less take apart Mount Rushmore. Batman uses the military to lure them away with Hostess Devil's Food cake.
Why It Failed
She didn't train her birds not to leave at the first offer of snacks.





  
Flash in "A Flash in the Dam"
[Image]
The Plan
The laughably depressed Destroyer decideds to blow a hole in the Hoover Dam. Without it the world collapses into global depression. Really? Name the last time anyone every talked about the Hoover Dam. For that matter can you even name what state it's in? No one cares enough about the dam to name the year it was built, much less falling into incurable sadness over it's destruction.
Why it Failed.
The Destroyer never counted on Flash tricking him into eating cupcakes laced with Ritalin.





  
What do you think of these plans for world domination? Do you think any of these plans could have worked?
[Image Source: http://www.tomheroes.com]
Please use the buttons below to tell your friends about this post. Click on the links to follow us for free by Email, RSS and follow us on Twitter @thegeektwins
    Fandango - We've Got Your Movie Tickets!

Related Posts

6 comments:

Maurice Mitchell said...

Pat, they're blaming the bakers union but it doesn't make sense to me either. The most beloved snack food ever going out of business? It makes no sense. Good call on Transformers. Not only had I not thought about the dam, but I never thought about what a horrible location it is. They should have put Megatron in Alaska.

Pat Dilloway said...

Those plans were all pretty idiotic. About as idiotic as the people who ran Hostess into the ground. I still don't understand how that could happen in a country full of obese people who love snacks.


And the last time I thought about Hoover Dam was watching "Transformers" where they supposedly built the dam around Megatron's frozen carcass. Which putting a frozen Transformer in a dam in the desert seems just as moronic as any of those world domination plots.

Maurice Mitchell said...

I heard Pigeon Lady is working on a comeback Anna. Maybe you could join her. ;)

Anna Smith said...

Dammit, I'll do anything for a bit of cake. Guess I better put me world domination plans on hold! :)

Maurice Mitchell said...

They were definitely original Craig. Silly fun

remo4711 said...

I loved those Hostess ads in DC and Marvel books. There were a few times when that page was the high point of the comic in question!

AddThis

Subscribe to RSS Feed Follow me on Twitter!