4/14/2011

L is for Lando Calrissian
Today, we have a special guest - the infamous smuggler, gambler, and baron administrator of Cloud City, Lando Calrissian. As a well-known ladies' man and swashbuckler, Lando will be solving your relationship problems in the way only a respectable ex-pirate can.

DEAR LANDO: I don't know why you think you can give advice on women. It's easy for you. You're a good-looking guy. No women would look at me. I'm twenty-three, five-foot-seven, and weigh two hundred and thirty-two pounds. What can I do? -- SCRUFFY NERFHERDER

DEAR SCRUFFY: Let's face it; we can't all look like me. The good news is that you don't have to. There are things every man can do to work with what he's got. I didn't walk up to Princess Leia in torn jeans and a stained wife-beater. I dressed with style and flair. I took care of myself. I was well-groomed with a fabulous mustache. Bring your Lando to the surface and get yourself a good haircut and shave. Dump your ratty clothes and spring for a decent wardrobe. Eat well and exercise so you stay fit and/or lose weight. Just don't try the cape. It's a rare man who can pull that one off. Like me. -- LANDO



DEAR LANDO: There's a girl that I work with that I really like, and I think she likes me, but I'm afraid to ask her out. That's the story of my life. I see women I want to date, but I'm too scared of rejection to do anything about it. How do I get over it? -- EASILY FRIGHTENED

DEAR EASILY: If you'll notice in Empire Strikes Back, I started flirting with Leia the moment I saw her. That's always been my philosophy - seize every opportunity. No one likes rejection. But if you're so paralyzed with fear that you can't seize an opportunity, you'll never get what you want out of life. During the Battle of Endor, when we found out that thing was operational, I could have just surrendered.We didn't have a chance against that Death Star. Instead, I attacked the fleet of Imperial Star Destroyers until the shield went down. Keep asking women out and eventually your emotional shield will fall, and you too can blow up the Death Star. By which I mean, your fear of rejection. Okay, bad analogy, but you get my point. Don't give up. -- LANDO



DEAR LANDO: Last week, my roommate and best friend stole our neighbor's TV while he was out of town. The police came by the apartment a few days later and asked if I knew who did it. I was scared they would find the TV and think I stole it, so I told them it was my roommate. He got arrested and has to spend thirty days under house arrest. I think I did the right thing, but now my friend is mad at me and calls me a scumbag. What do you think? -- SALACIOUS CRUMB


DEAR SALACIOUS: You did the right thing. It's not your fault that your friend stole the TV, and he suffered the consequences for his actions. If it hadn't been you turning him in, it probably would have been somebody else. Besides, you had no choice. The police showed up right before your friend did. By turning in your friend, you made a deal that would keep the police out forever. But trapping your friend in the apartment was never a condition of your agreement, nor was giving Han to that bounty hunter! Uh, forget that last part. -- LANDO

Would you take advice from Lando?
This post is "L is for Lando Calrissian," part of the "A-Z Blogging Challenge." We'll be posting something on our blog every day in April except for Sundays. The challenge is hosted by Arlee Bird , Jeffrey Beesler, Alex J. Cavanaugh, Jen Daiker, Candace Ganger, Karen J Gowen, Talli Roland and Stephen Tremp. Visit them today and every day for the next month!
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2 comments:

Arlee Bird said...

Hey, I like Lando's advice--sounds pretty sensible to me. He should have a column in the paper.


Lee
Tossing It Out

Nate Wilson said...

Dear Lando, I am starting a petition to have you take over every nationally syndicated advice column in the country. Although I'd like the petition to work, I almost hope the editors don't listen to reason, because then we can encase them all in carbonite before installing you in your proper post.

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