7/20/2010

Lindsay Lohan reports for prison to serve a 90 day sentence today. For all of her complaints of cruel and unusual punishment there are prisons worse than where she's going.

1. Princess Leia's Star Destroyer Prison Cell

In Star Wars (A New Hope) Princess Leia is captured and taken aboard an Imperial Star Destroyer. There, she is held in a dark metal prison cell and tortured for information. It doesn't get much worse when you have institutional torture droids working you over. Maybe they could find out if Lohan had a nose job while she's in there.

2. The Matrix

In the film, The Matrix, humans are kept in a mental prison by tyrannical robots to live out boring lives and go to techno night clubs. Not too bad if you don't mind living in a dream world and floating in an organic soup of dissolved people flesh. It's Peeeeople!
3. Klingon Gulag

In the film Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, Kirk and McCoy were sentenced to the Klingon penal colony of Rura Penthe. Cold, barren and lifeless, Lohan would wither away on an ice planet with massive shape shifting aliens. It looks coed though, so that's a plus.

4. Pitch Black's Slam City

The film Pitch Black featured a criminal, Riddick, who escaped from Ursa Luna Maximum Security Prison (Slam City). The prison is so bad even light is denied the prisoners. Black market surgery is preferable to getting a shank in the back.

5. Superman's Phantom Zone

In the films Superman and Superman II, we find that the enlightened Kryptonians don't kill criminals. Instead the trap them in an alternate dimension and shoot them into space. Lindsey might find being trapped in a pane of glass floating through space preferable to prison food though.

6. Arkham Asylum


Batman's Gotham City is awash with people dressed up in crazy costumes telling riddles while robbing banks. No wonder they have a high-security mental institution. Lohan may be a little odd, but she'd hate to be trapped with a bunch of psychotic supervillains. The Joker is bad enough, but, when you add Scarecrow and Mel Gibson, it just gets worse.

7. Crematoria

The Pitch Black sequel Chronicles of Riddick, introduced the slammer Crematoria. It's not so bad though. Although it's a blisteringly hot planetary penitentiary deep underground, at least they don't have to go through plastic surgery to survive.

8. Minority Report

In the future world of Minority Report, criminals are jailed in cryogenic sleep for crimes they hadn't committed yet. Lohan would have been in the cooler several times over for drug possession, reckless driving, DUI and littering.

9. Demolition Man's Cryosleep Chamber

In the dystopian future of Demolition Man, criminals are flash frozen in "Cryosleep." Being naked in a fetal position may be Lohan's idea of a fun time, but being frozen in suspended animation and brainwashed for decades sounds like a real downer. If she thought rehab was painful, this would be torture.

10. Snake Pliskin's New York

In the 1981 science-fiction film Escape from New York, the city of Manhattan has been converted to a massive walled prison. Lacking guards or rules, the criminals form their own society. We all think prison over-crowding is bad now. Imagine using a whole state as a prison colony. Lohan is too pretty to last long in this place.

11. Snake Pliskin's Los Angeles

In the 1996 science-fiction film Escape from L.A., the city of Los Angeles has broken off from the coast and converted to a massive clink. Rogue plastic surgeons wander the landscape and weirdos surf massive tidal waves. Actually, this one might not be so bad for Lohan.

12. Alien "Fury" Prison Planet

The 1992 film Alien 3 showed us the planet Fiorina-161, known as Fury. Originally envisioned as a wooden planet inhabited by monks, it became a prison of reformed prisoners who shave their heads and take vows of chastity. We all know how much she hates rehab centers and this would be worse.

13. Magneto's Plastic Prison

In X-Men and X-Men 2, the mutant Magneto was so powerful that they constructed an entire prison ward made out of non-magnetic plastics. Lohan has a lot of plastic in her though. Maybe she'd blend in.

Are any of these prisons too good for Lohan? Would you spend time in any of the prisons above?

Update: Fixed name spelling fail. Thanks Laurie B! Updated title.

10 comments:

Sci-Fi Gene said...

Great post - sci-fi is full of fascinating & horrifying prisons. Your article also reminded me of 2000 AD's brief B.L.A.I.R.1 spoof which ended with "Judge Straw" going mad and converting the entire UK into an Escape From New York-style prison; alternately in The Traveller (John Twelve Hawks) a sinister cabal tries to turn the world into a metaphorical prison using CCTV.

B. Miller said...

What an amazing post, I was laughing all the way through imagining LiLo in these different settings... especially doing her Ernest Borgnine impersonation from Escape from New York: "You're the DUKE, you're the DUKE, you're the DUKE of NEW YORK... A-NUMBER ONE, baby..." hahahahahaha. THANKS!! I needed that.

Laurie B. said...

Her name is spelled wrong. "Lindsay." Good article though.

monkeymigraine said...

These are funny. Invites visuals. Like for #1, I imagine the interrogation droid coming towards Lindsay with the needles sticking out and she says, "Oh, finally. Some decent drugs in this place. Hey, wait a minute..."

For #4, Lindsay would be going, "Surgery on my eyes? No problem. Had so much plastic surgery, I know the routine. Do I get a new prescription for pain medications with it? I'm in."

With #5 (Phantom Zone), even trapped in a pane of glass, there would still be upskirt photos of her showing up on the Internet. Lindsay: "But at least in here, people can still see me." [striking poses for cameras]

One prison I would add is the off-shore prison in "Face/Off." Everyone has to wear those magnetic boots that lock onto the floor. Lindsay would probably have a nervous breakdown, not from being locked down magnetically, but from having to wear the same ugly shoes every day. I imagine her begging, "Can they at least be Manolos?!"

firegirl said...

Personally, I think the cryosleep chamber would be doing the world a favor. Please stick her in one of those and wake her up when I'm dead!

How well does plastic freeze?

Maurice Mitchell said...

Doh! Thanks Laurie

Maurice Mitchell said...

SciFi Gene, I'm glad you like the post! Once again you are a wealth of science-fiction knowledge.

Dissertation Advice said...

Spectacular work about to tell the Top 13 Sci-Fi Prisons Lindsay Lohan,also the pictures about them gives a good help to know more about them.
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Sizegenetics review said...

Well I love to see Lindsey Lohan to be on Magneto's Plastic prison. Because it's so transparent and can only visited through a connected tube. I think she will be going to be crazy in there. This is so funny to think that Lindsey will not survive to any of this prisons.

http://eon.businesswire.com/news/eon/20121114006317/en/sizegenetics/sizegenetics-review/size-genetics

Paulaerwe Robertson said...

Manhattan is an island not a state.

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